Celebrity Baby Names

Sun May 9, 2010, 3:58 PM

Michael Bolen
Yahoo! Canada News

The news last week that two names featured in the ‘Twilight’ series, Isabella and Jacob, topped the list of most popular U.S. baby names shows that celebrities can seriously influence our naming choices. Malia, the name of one of Barack Obama’s daughters, was the fastest rising name among girls, while Cullen, a reference to ‘Twilight’s’ Edward Cullen, was the fastest rising boys name. That said, celebrity baby names don’t always take off. In many cases, the names the famous give their children are simply too weird to become popular. Here’s a list of the 10 worst celebrity baby names.

1. Kal-El

Nicolas Cage may be Hollywood royalty, but that doesn’t give him permission to name his son after Superman. Besides being enormously pretentious, the name isn’t even human. Then again, the more I look at Nicolas Cage the more I think he might not be human either. Did I mention he’s decided to be buried in a giant pyramid?

2. Zuma Nesta Rock

While the name of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s son may have a lot of meaning for the couple (Zuma is the name of one of their favourite beaches), it’s bound to ruin the child’s life. Just one weird name can make grade school a nightmare, so having three in a row is bound to be even worse.

3. Apple

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s name for their daughter isn’t particularly ugly or even weird, it’s just that in today’s ultra-branded world naming your girl Apple is roughly equivalent to calling her Microsoft. Then again, naming their child after the world’s hippest company may be the perfect way to keep the Paltrow/Martin brand cool. I hope they name their next kid Tweet.

4. Jermajesty

We expect weird things from the Jackson family, but Jermaine Jackson’s name for his son goes too far. Besides ruining the famous Beatles track ‘Her Majesty’ for everyone else, the name is bound to inspire Jermajesty to follow in his wacky family’s footsteps and start a music career of his own. We need another star in the Jackson family like we need another ‘Twilight’ movie.

5. Sage Moonblood

While Sage Moonblood sounds like it should be the name of a vampire in ‘Twilight’ it’s actually the name of Sylvester Stallone’s woefully unlucky son. Despite his irresistible moniker and a role in ‘Rocky V’, Sage’s career as an actor never really took off. It could be worse though, Sly named Sage’s brother Sergeoh. No, that’s not a spelling mistake.

6. Moxie CrimeFighter

We wish Penn Jillette had taken a page out of his partner Teller’s book and kept silent when it came time to name his daughter. Besides putting serious career pressure on her, nobody is ever going to spell it correctly. Jillette wasn’t much kinder to his son. His name? Zolten.

7. Audio Science

Shannyn Sossamon has always had a college alt-rock vibe to her, so it’s really not much of a surprise that she went with the name Audio Science when her son was born. We really hope Audio Science makes it to college so he’ll get the chance to take some Audio Science courses. I can see the look on the professor’s face now.

8. Kyd

Despite starring in intelligent and thought-provoking films, actors Tea Leoni and David Duchovny drew a blank when it came time to name their son. The result: they named the kid Kyd. Let’s hope David’s recent stint in rehab for sex addiction went well so that no other children will suffer a similar fate.

9. Prince Michael II / ‘Blanket’

Michael Jackson’s name for his son is wrong for all the same reasons as Jermajesty. But the recently-deceased King of Pop didn’t think Prince was distinctive enough and so decided to nickname the boy ‘Blanket.’ Let’s hope it doesn’t stick.

10. Tu Morrow

Despite being insanely weird, the name of Rob Morrow’s daughter makes the bottom of the list because her father just isn’t that famous. The ‘Numb3rs’ (speaking of stupid names) actor was likely hoping to rectify that situation by making it to the top of odd baby name lists worldwide. We refuse to co-operate in the scheme.

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